Written by Elisha DeJesus, LCSW (Tools for Success Counseling Service)
I feel like I’m going through this existential crisis where I’m really sitting and realizing
— I’m depressed.
Heavy.
Disorganized.
Yet I feel more alive than I ever have.
The pain is an inherent alert awakening me to life. Screaming out
— you are here.
Free.
And hurting.
Still there is more healing to be done.
But you will do exactly that,
Heal.
We all know how the movie Soul has hit us millennials, pretty much everyone, every generation in some sort of way. Shoot how this year has lit a fire under our butts.
[I write this in a simple way but just imagine the countless **** and bleeps that would have masked my actual words and frustration]
Anyone who knows me knows I could go on for ages about the systemic turmoil that has continued to perpetuate and allow the plagues of genocide and exploitation.
Thus, that is not where the conflict arises,
Tearing me apart while simultaneously joining me back together.
Today I dive deeper
As a survivor.
I’ve wrote that time and time again.
But I haven’t felt that time and time over...
Until now.
They never tell you how long the healing process takes.
Not in any of the textbooks.
Pamphlets.
They could never tell you how long you’ve truly been living outside of your body.
Sure, you can eventually go back to the moments of trauma.
You could vividly describe what you now remember.
What you’ve always been able to feel when the flashbacks hit.
But the process of separation.
Detachment.
Dissociation.
Survival.
Is a blurred enmeshment.
Bordering between confusion and contentment.
Surviving—
Not thriving.
[I hope y’all laughed as much as I did writing that because it’s not until moments of reflection like this when you realize how openly nonchalant we are about these things—defense mechanism I know]
Interestingly, I came across this podcast I’m currently listening to while freaking out about writing this entry. I was freaking out because a part of dissociation is burying your pain and ultimately yourself so deep. To the point where you actually detach in order to remain safe. It’s a trauma response like the books say. I personally picture the scene from Avengers: End Game when the Ancient One separates Bruce Banner from the Hulk. And him later realizing they were one and the same. But that’s beside the point.
The point is dissociation is for protection. The only thing is you end up separated from yourself. Broken. Forgetting who you were before a part of you was taken.
Until something shakes you awake.
Rips that Band-Aid off to expose the grief, shame, and pain that had been weighing you down.
I was freaking out because I’ve spent a few years now working to recognize these moments of disconnect. And yet realizing I was there the whole time. As much I had suppressed my experiences and emotions. In an attempt to forget, regain control, and keep the peace. These very moments had subconsciously influenced every part of me and my life.
In the podcast, Christine Gutierrez speaks of the soul call... this “ancient voice within that often times whispers and sometimes yells at you to take the next right step... a voice that originates you toward your better good.”
That sounds nice, right? Little jiminy cricket. Wrong. This soul call occurs during these heavy, disorganized, depressed, down and out moments. My soul calls have directed my whole life, career.
Yet, as I wrote this, I was still conflicted and stepping away from myself. Wanting to forget that healing is a lifetime process. Constantly unfolding. Being so frustrated and impatient with the part of me that needed to rest. And to feel. To be vulnerable. And to share this with you because this is why I got into the work. The work of supporting others on their healing journey, pushed me onto my own.
Therefore, part of that vulnerability is pushing beyond the boxes that keep us from expressing ourselves culturally, the traditional ideologies that limit therapeutic work. Separating me from you. Me from myself.
So here is my soul call that I am sharing with you—
I give myself permission:
To exist
As both the free flowing, chill human who was born from the time of disconnect.
Aware of what I have no control over,
Both then & now.
To own myself & that which I do have control over.
To trust the process. To trust myself.
And finally,
To thrive & survive.
Love yours,
Elisha
How Therapist and Healer Christine Gutierrez Came Back Home to Herself, and Wrote I Am Diosa” on the Latina to Latina Podcast